Sometimes it is scary NOT to feel sad. How can I let go of this grief?

15 months after the death of my beautiful daughter, the pain subsides, some days.

We “celebrated” Easter this past Sunday. The holidays are so very difficult. Out of habit we gather. We smile, we hug. I stress out about hosting this again. I get angry with George for not helping.

I often get surprised by the Holidays. Even before.

Easter is different for us. We have always celebrated two Easters. When the girls were growing up, Catholic Easter was the one that we went to Mass and had Easter baskets.

Orthodox Easter was the one that we had the family over for.

One Spring Break, after celebrating Catholic Easter with the Blanco’s in Maryland, we were driving home. The following week we would Celebrate Orthodox Easter with the family. The girls questioned me from the back seat. “Mom, do other people WISH they were Lebanese, so they could have two Easters?” I always treasure that memory!

Sometimes the two Easters are on the same day. I don’t have any warning. No one does. Even as the Catholic member of the family – I am usually the one who is in charge of telling everyone when Easter is.

This year I assumed everyone knew – because it was so late and because they fell on the same Sunday. George and I decided to visit Uncle Louie in the nursing home on Saturday. I had other commitments, too. So I was not GREAT at notifying every one of the starting time, etc.

So due to tragedy and sadness and miscommunication – we were missing THREE people at the Dinner table this Easter. We were missing Darah for the second Easter. We were missing Louie for the first time. We were missing cousin Michael, because he forgot it was Easter and he had to work.

We did not even NEED a “kids” table. But did we have a very nice day? Yes we did. First of all, Mother Nature provided a gorgeous day. From the looks of it, much of the weather across the country was beautiful for Easter. I quoted my mother in law often. She always said Orthodox Easter always has good weather.

Secondly, our old friends, Cherie and Steve were able to come – even with a very last minute invitation. They provided a very special DARAH element for the day. I had left a piece of Darah’s artwork to be framed by a mutual friend. Cherie happened to know that the piece was ready to be picked up, so she and Steve picked it up and paid for it as a special gift to us – very special.

Third – our dear friend Dan stopped by. Dan also celebrates the Orthodox tradition so we are always glad when he gets to town and is able to celebrate with us.

Fourth – Maureen played Easter Bunny and had a very fun Easter Egg hunt for our little special guy, Karter and his cousin.

So where was Darah in all this? Her gorgeous Senior picture was propped in front of the Easter lily on the coffee table. She inspired TWO batches of hummus prepared by Maureen and Julie. We KNOW she loves how much we love her godson, Karter – we can feel her smiling on us every time we are with him. I even think she was with me when I decided to go to Mass at St Hillary – and good ole’ Father Kraker was saying mass. Father Kraker, who walked with me all 21 months of Darah’s illness and then retired and does not have a regular Mass schedule at a certain parish any more. Yet I seem to find him whenever I can truly use a Fr. Kraker fix.

So honey, I have had a really rough time lately. Funny, how I am just barely becoming aware that this pain and sadness is not going to end. I don’t want it to end because I always want you to know how much I miss you. However, I also have to keep working and learning how to keep you in my life in our new relationship. Love you and miss you like a ton of bricks! Mommy